Let’s consider the simplest way to publish a novel in the UK. It’s easy - be well known, be a celebrity, then the publisher will rely on your name moving the book. And this will usually be without reference to its merits. So who are the favoured celebrities? Two groups: politicians and the rest. Consider the politicians who have had novels published. Okay, it started with Disraeli, but he wrote his before getting into politics. Moving on to modern times: Douglas Hurd, Edwina Currie, Helen Liddell (Stalin’s granny), Anne Widdecombe and, wait for it, yes, Iain Duncan Smith! I have only read extracts from their books, but none were inspiring enough to lead to a purchase, and this is a very polite way of putting it.
But certain other individuals are offered deals too and on the same basis, that their name being already in the public domain copies will walk off the shelves without too much help from the marketing department. I don’t know when this started, but the first case I can remember was the yachtswoman, Claire Francis (Night Sky, 1983). Though this novel left a lot to be desired, so do many others, and she had written three autobiographical books before she started it. She was/is an intelligent person who takes her work seriously.
How things change. With giant stride I move on to the present day. Take Jordan. Okay, don’t. But for those of you who haven’t come across her, she is a model tending to the pneumatic and, more recently, a ‘star’ of reality television.
‘Jordan, the glamour model and reality TV star, has secured her debut as a novelist with a six-figure advance before she has written a word. Random House, Britain's largest publisher, announced yesterday that it has signed up the model, whose real name is Katie Price, to write an autobiography and two novels. Better known for her appearance on the show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and subsequent romance with her co-star, the former pop star Peter Andre, Jordan is adding fiction to her CV at the suggestion of the publisher.’
Notice, folks, it was the publisher’s idea. Two novels have now appeared, Crystal and Angel. Her name is on the cover but I have no idea who actually wrote them. Not a Clare Francis, then.
Which takes us nicely on to autobiography. Staying with Jordan, her first sally into the field, ‘Being Jordan’, sold close to 500,000 copies and earned £4.7 million when it was published by Blake last year. The second, ‘Jordan: A Whole New World’, covers her wedding to Peter Andre (don’t ask, I have no idea either) and the birth of their baby. I don’t know how well it’s selling. Other comparable celebrities have published autobiographies, including Jade Goody (Jade; My Autobiography) and Jodie Marsh (wittily entitled 'Keeping it Real') All of this is fed by the tabloid press, both newspapers and magazines. I recently came across a magazine entitled Celebrity Bodies. I thought it was a joke – but it wasn’t.
Leaving these people aside ( and what a good feeling that is), we have that other group who never tire of producing autobiographies – sportsmen and women. Footballers come high on the list, though when England won the World Cup (Rugby Union) several members of the team hit the supermarket shelves. Another example from a different sport is Kevin Pietersen (Crossing The Boundary). Kevin plays cricket for England and felt impelled to zap us all with his story. I will major on a footballer, though, one Wayne Rooney. Wayne kicks a mean ball, I’m told. Having listened to him talking he should leave communication to his feet.
‘Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney has signed the biggest sports book deal in publishing history. The 20-year-old has agreed a 12-year contract with Harper Collins to write a minimum of five books for an advance of £5m plus royalties. Rooney's first book will hit the shelves at the end of July 2006 and will be an autobiography of his life so far, including this summer's World Cup.
The follow-up books will cover the rest of Rooney's playing career and there will also be a Wayne Rooney Annual published in the autumn of 2006, aimed at younger fans.’
I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea.
The rest of this post concerns academic publishing and may safely be skipped.
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Publishing is sometimes required of academics to get on in their profession. Academics are supposed to conduct ‘research’, even when their subject is, say, English literature. In a subject such as this research isn’t possible. Two other activities are: scholarship and criticism. Both of these can be useful. A scholar might discover the commonly accepted text of a given author contains several errors, some of them serious. If these are corrected, that’s fine. A few critical books shed useful light on their subjects. Many do not. The first time I entered a bookshop near a university I noticed that the shelf-space devoted to poetry, plays and novels was dwarfed by the space given over to learnéd texts. One was written by my professor and included the sentence: ‘It is tempting to speculate on the unique felicity of tripartite division in complex works of art.’ Eloquent or what! The parasites were overwhelming their hosts.
In the sciences, things are more complicated. Genuine research is usually possible here, but not all research is useful. For example, recent research shows that shy men are more prone to heart attacks than less shy men. Fine, but why should that be? If it’s because they have less outlet for pent-up emotion than their more out-going counterparts then it’s hardly to be wondered at. Or suppose a shy man visits his doctor. What is the doctor supposed to say, ‘For God’s sake pull yourself together, Cedric, sake stop being so shy!’
In the UK a university’s funding is contingent, to an extent, on the research it carries out, so scientists can earn good money for their institutions. Nowadays, too, there are often spin-off companies which, if successful, are another valuable asset. But in both fields, the arts and the sciences, the fact that lecturers have published papers in academic journals or turned their theses into books does not mean they are capable of teaching. But I forget myself, what do universities have to do with teaching? With every passing year, less and less.
